alcohol
Malta
parties
spring break
St. John's
Valetta
Hot mess Malta
11:16 AM
So it's officially "SPRING BREAK". The FASHION *WEAKS* are over and so is my temporary act of pretending to have some decency. All I wanna do is just get drunk in Givenchy and make out with strange boys, and drink overpriced gay drinks.....like I do every other night. But where to go? Back to the states to Panama City? I felt my eurotrash status slowly slipping away as I briefly considered it. THAT WOULD BE A NO. Seychelles??? Too bad I don't have a spare 8K laying around and my sugar daddy is in Dubai or something. Malta? Looks decent and it's not season so I don't have to worry about running into anybody with better clothes than me. So off we went.
So like as soon as we arrived it was cold and gray and rainy and gross and I felt my bitchy attitude creeping back up so I decide we needed to go out and get some alcohol into our systems. STAT. Problem was the island was DEAD...and not like in the casual off season dead...like DEAD LIKE GALLIANO'S CAREER.
Just as I thought this spring break was a failure (after 3 hours) I spotted a familiar name. Since the fashion person in me never really takes a break I bee lined for Carolina Herrera's "club" or should I say borderline prostitute bar?
They were playing My Humps. I was starting to get the impression that this island was stuck in 2005. I danced anyways and Evan pretended he wasn't with me.
CLEARLY EVAN DIDN'T GET THE MEMO ABOUT NUCLEAR WEAPONS AKA HIS *GUNS*
Anyways after discovering that drinks were like 2 euro each (PRAISE THE LAWD) I decided I wanted to go gamble. However when we got to the casino I didn't know I wasn't allowed to have my camera inside so after security saw me with my camera they threw me out without evn letting me cash my *J A C K P O T*
On the way back I totally though every house was my house (drunk) and kept sitting on everybody's steps like an old homeless bitch in vintage Izod Lacoste.
So somehow I slept through the entire next day, maybe someone roofied me? So when I finally got up it was time to go out again. Now I know how Lindsay Lohan feels. This time there were actually real live human beings out and about.
There were drunk boys
artsy hipster girls
and lots of alcohol
I was definitely in the spring break zone
almost to the point where I could excuse the people around me and their lack of style. Actually I was in no position at the moment seeing as I wore my god forsaken North Face jacket out.
As usual Evan had to go and ruin everything by acting like he was on Jersey Shore and start fist pumping. Let me tell you about FIST PUMPING. That shit is CONTAGIOUS.
Yeah Evan, I caught you staring at her sweater puppets.
You can definitely tell how "popular" the club we were in was by this picture. NOT
Ashley was in her own little Jack & Coke ruled world
DOES THIS COUNT AS MY FIRST *THREESOME* OF SPRINGBREAK!!!!??????
THEN I SAW THE STRIPPER POLE *dun dun dun* GAME OVER
Once again I proved my status as the biggest hot american mess in europe
right after this picture was taken I fall off the pole and it came out of the ceiling and the bouncers kicked me out. Thanks JLO...I BLAME YOU.
At this point I was so ~OVER~ everything so we jumped in a cab
we ended up in some sketchy part of town, I don't understand how or why but we did.
this was right after I threw a temper tantrum about how I got kicked out of the bar for breaking the stripper pole and about what an asshole our cab driver was. Stephen and Evan were irritated with me cause I was on my DIVA LEVEL
Suddenly Evan wanted to play model and I was all like you may have the face but you don't have the body...because I'm awful like that.
we ended up in some sketchy bar that I wouldn't be caught dead in if this were Milan
The news was on and this headline summed up THE ENTIRE NIGHT.
Anyways after that nothing really happened aka my new phrase for I blacked out.
I LOVE YOU MALTA
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